1) The first word I would use to describe myself is:
f) none of the above
2) My favorite color is:
3) I find other people:
c) good to eat
Score as follows:
1: a) 500; b) 400 c) 300; d) 200; e) 600; f) 100
2: a) 10; b) 20
3) a) 1; b) 3; c) 2
If you scored:
100-210: You are unworthy of living. Ditch this whole notion of individuality, get with the program, and maybe there might be some hope for you.
211: You are a communist Jamaican. Dye your weed red, mon and pass it around!
212: Doesn’t your religion forbid cannibalism?
213-220: You are a Jamaican, and a communist, but you find the masses vulgar. Keep the red Mary Jane to yourself!
221: You like beaches
222: Don’t eat all the tourists!
223-310: You are one mellow Rastafarian who does not like crowds. Find a quite spot, look at the sky, and light up!
311: You would spend all of your time analyzing all the reasons you liked “red,” except you can’t help but get distracted by others! Focus more on them and less on your work and maybe when the revolution comes you won’t be denounced as a secret burgeousie.
312: You are the sort of cannibal who a) likes to try lots of recipes and b) likes spicy food. Try toe served with a fennel ragu spiked with Sriracha.
313-320: Looks like you’ve chosen the right profession for you! You’ll have plenty of time to let your misanthropy grow as you sit alone in the stacks, wondering how you can get your colleagues to exempt you from faculty meetings and sipping your Ruby Red Squirt thoughtfully.
321: You should live in New York City: It has many good libraries, you are bound to meet someone interesting, and it is in a blue state.
322: You should live in New York: It has many good libraries, you are bound to eat someone interesting, and it is in a blue state.
323-410: You should live in New York: It has many good libraries, it is in a blue state, and it will confirm all of your worst suspicions about humanity.
411: Try to overcome your fear of talking, because this will be the only long-term way to deal with the lonely emptiness that fills you up as you walk through the bustling city streets, looking at all the happy smiling faces of people deep in conversation with the ones they love. Oh, and stop wearing that red hat. It makes you look fat.
412: If you lurk in the bushes, you can often catch your victim without having to say a word to them. Do this at night while wearing infra-red goggles: It makes hunting your prey more efficient and more attractive!
413-420: That mountain-fortress you bought for yourself in the hinterlands of Wyoming is paying for itself already! If Dick Cheney comes by and tries to commandeer it for his new “undisclosed location,” that trip to the gun-shop post Assault Ban expiration ought to pay off in spades.
421: You are a sad, lonely person with a deeply poetic side. Go to the beach, look at the blue waves, and listen to the happy people, laughing and playing in the ocean. Look at them longingly. When someone comes up to you and accuses you of being “pervy” sigh at the sadness of constantly being misunderstood, “spontaneously” break out into that poem you’ve been composing for the last six years (the one that rhymes “lacking” with “khaki”). Maybe they’ll see deep into your soul and become your soul-mate. Maybe they’ll kick you in the teeth.
422: If you lurk in the water, you can often catch your victim without having to say a word to them. Do this at night while a snorkel mask and plastic-fin: Everyone will just think you’re a shark (this will also clear out the beach and leave you that mealtime privacy you crave).
423-510: You make me sad. You are a twisted, hateful, misanthropic soul. Oddly enough, you are also a Metrosexual. That’s right, I am talking about you, Mr. Rumsfeld. Now get us out of Iraq.
511: POW! That is the one word to describe you! You are just like how Tom Cruise would have been in Top Gun, if only he had worn red Rayban’s (because you do!).
512: Finding people to meet, greet and eat is never a problem for you! Here’s a tip: Stick to Cabernet Sauvignon: It pairs nicely with the cuts of meat you crave.
513-520: Hello, Mr. President! Thank you for taking my quiz! You thought I didn’t know you secretly hate everyone but yourself, Dick Cheney, and Kenneth Lay, didn’t you? But you are wrong. I am a scientific quiz. I know all.
521: You are more like Iceman than Maverick.
522: You are like Iceman would have been, if he had liked to eat people (In the interest of full disclosure, I should note that according to certain Lacanian readings of Top Gun, perhaps he did).
523-610: You are an enigma. You are always the life of the party, but you have a deep mournful soul. You go home at night and torture yourself for all the witty urbanity you display.
611 or higher: Get out of my sight! I have no use for you. If you’re so happy, why are you even taking a personality quiz?