Tuesday, September 12, 2006

These are the people in your neighorhood

A Very Special Episode:

I don't know about the rest of you, but Ms. Ideas Woman, Esq. and I constantly invent stories about our neighbors. . . sometimes they turn out to be true.

For example: One day there was an ambulance at the house next door (we happened to notice this because we were driving Ideas Girl around very late at night). So we postulated that our neighbor, a severely obese (and almost certainly abusive) insane Christian Fundamentalist had died (remember this is all fantasy so the callousness of these postulates should go unremarked upon). When people showed up later in the week we were nearly convinced.

Now, the way I am describing it, this is obvious. But it should be noted that other people on our block noted one or both of these events but didn't connect them. It's merely my attaching a significance to them that makes it obvious.

Now, some people might do the nice thing and see if the family needed anything. Lest you judge us too harshly, this thought crossed our mind. But, because the husband had isolated the mother and daughter (they would hurry inside if they saw anyone) we hardly knew them.

So, what do you say? "Hi! We've invented a whole life for you wherein the domineering patriarch has recently passed away. If that's true, what can we do to help?" Now, when I phrase things in this way, the obvious answer pops up: "You can say nothing in the first place."

So, being kind, compassionate people, that's what we did.

Then we theorized that they would eventually be much happier. We were surprised to discover how quickly this happened. First, there was the string of changes: Comcast rolls by within the week. Garbage is hauled out. An old, rusty car that probably singlehandedly lowered the property value of every home on the street by at least $10,000 is towed off. Just the sort of changes you might want to make if you're getting on with your life. That doesn't indicate happiness, does it?

But then mother and daughter start hanging around outside, weeding their garden, chatting with each other on beach chairs on their porch, walking their cranky German shepard (who hasn't hitherto left a tiny enclosure in their backyard) and waving at their neighbors.

We wonder whether they realize that they are in fact much happier.

Then, our other (relatively) normal neighbors need a babysitter and the usual suspects are unavailable. Another neighbor (whom I don't know) recommends aforementioned daughter. In passing, I refer to our insane theories.

Which turn out to be true (well, the happiness part hasn't been verbally confirmed but it's woefully obvious).

So, what other theories are probably true but uncorroborated?

Well, our neighbors across the street are the Family of Mutual Beards . . . and their daughter is clearly a LEAG (Lesbian Even After Graduation [from an elite formerly-all-girls-college) --- too paraphrase Seinfeld, not that there's anything wrong with this. Our gossip is nonjudgmental. So, the running question is --- is the younger son (Snoopy) the only straight member of the family or not. Only time will tell.

But . . .

There is one way in which our gossip is highly judgmental. WHAT'S UP WITH THEIR CAR SITUATION? They have a fairly large driveway (for the area) and a two-car garage. But, without fail, morning and evening they engage in some sort of shenenigan which involves backing all three of their cars successively onto the road, moving another one of the cars and then pulling back in. Their is no possible logistical rationale for their behavior, since they could easily park all three cars in the driveway and/or garage in such a way that none blocked the other.

I think it's some sort of elaborate sign system having to do with aforementioned beardedness.

1 comment:

Joe said...

I find your "sign system" theory intriguing, and can't wait to see for myself next month...