Friday, March 05, 2010

Breaking News (Again): Glenn Beck's Dungeons and Dragon's Sheet Stolen

Glenn Beck's Christmas Road ShowImage by The Rocketeer via Flickr
I've reposted this with comment moderation turned on so I can avoid the creeps --- real people, please post any suggestions you have! Thanks.

Team Knowledge (TM) has been hard at work gathering knowledge.

Team knowledge is:  Ideas Man, Hypatia's Girl, Matt, Jacob and Ben.

What have they found?  Glenn Beck's Dungeons and Dragon's character in the game he plays regularly with the rest of the Fox News Crew.

I present it without further ado:

Above: Glenn Beck enacting King Reaganor's Greatest Spell


King Reaganor was not born as a king. He was born into poverty and pulled himself up by his sandalstraps. He was born in Swedonia, where the beautiful race of White Elves had been conquered by Bobama, the evil troll from Kenyadonia. He had imposed a socialist-communist-fascist-dictatorial monarchy and killed Santa, the High Duke of Christmas. Reaganor was the child of Bristol Paladin, the fair virgin who was rightful queen by birth of Swedonia. It was prophesied by the Good Witch Ann of Coulteria that young Reaganor would lead the true White Elves to a New Kingdom.

King Reaganor was apprenticed to the wizard Colon Pow. After teaching Reaganor all he knew, Colon Pow fell under a dark, black spell cast by Bobama, who betrayed Lady Paladin. Reaganor used the Tablet of the Original Constitution to summon the Invisible Hand™ of the Founding Fathers, who came forth to lead the White Elves out of slavery and resurrect Santa. Benjamin Franklin gave him the power of lightening, which he used to short-circuit the Liberal Media (in August of 2003). George Washington gave him the Mythical Ax which he used to smite the waters of the Potomac and part them in two (thereby watering the Tree of Liberty). Thomas Jefferson gave him the Plow of Liberty, with which he built a new agrarian democracy around the mythical plantation Freedonia. Paul Revere gave him his trusty steed, Paul Revere (the horse), and he mounted Paul Revere (the horse) and rode him into battle.

The true White Elves had maintained the true religion of the Teabag ceremony while in slavery to the secularism of Bobama's Liberaltopia. "Let my people go!" yelled Reaganor as he mounted Paul Revere (the horse) in the driving rain. He rode him hard, across the Potomac without getting wet. He found the mythic Wood Teeth of Liberty and put them in his mouth. "Let my people go!" he cried again.

The true White Elves, who had maintained the true religion, threw off their chains and took the sacks of gold they'd been hiding from the evil dwarf John Stewartschmidtsteinbergergoldfarbowitz, who ran the Bank of Bobama, and they marched forth. Colon Pow met the people at the banks of the Potomac and cast the spell of False Trust with his vial of white anthraxia. But the White Elves could not be turned back. Reaganor called on the mighty warrior William Boykinor to invoke his god, whose God was way stronger than the God of liberal secular atheist Swedonia (Gay Allah). Gay Allah was swiftly thrown down.

Reaganor led the White Elves across the Potomac, where he met the fair Queen Sarah of Palinor, who was imprisoned by the Chastity Belt of Margaret Sanger. But Reaganor had the Key of Personal Responsibility. He dismounted Paul Revere (the horse) and thrust the key into her belt. She was freed, and so she married him on the spot. As babies poured from her loins, the Milk of Untaxed Prosperity flowed abundantly from her heroic bosom.

And thus began the reign of Reaganor, founder of America, who did it all by himself with no help and certainly no ghostwriter.

This will be included in our forthcoming collection What is It Like to Be a Glenn Beck? Please send other essays and suggestions how to improve his character sheet to us.


Hypatia'sGirl said...

I'm just gonna say, this is hilarious.

The Jar said...

I have to say that I assumed that Glenn Beck would play a paladin, but of course it makes sense that he would be a wizard. He is, afterall, the ideas man of Fox!

Ideas Man, Ph.D. said...

Paladin would be a good choice. I see Sean Hannity as the Paladin

DOCTOR J said...

I wish I understood something about D&D, because I'm guessing this post is hilarious, but I just don't get it. Sigh.

Ideas Man, Ph.D. said...

Oh, it's hilarious. But you shouldn't let not knowing Dungeons and Dragons keep you from submitting something else to What is it Like to Be A Glen Beck?