Thursday, March 04, 2010

Breaking News: Glenn Beck's Dungeons and Dragons Character discovered!

Glenn Beck's Christmas Road ShowImage by The Rocketeer via Flickr
Team Knowledge (TM) has been hard at work gathering knowledge.

Team knowledge is:  Ideas Man, Hypatia's Girl, Matt, Jacob and Ben.

What have they found?  Glenn Beck's Dungeons and Dragon's character in the game he plays regularly with the rest of the Fox News Crew.

I present it without further ado:


Above: Glenn Beck enacting King Reaganor's Greatest Spell




Biography


King Reaganor was not born as a king. He was born into poverty and pulled himself up by his sandalstraps. He was born in Swedonia, where the beautiful race of White Elves had been conquered by Bobama, the evil troll from Kenyadonia. He had imposed a socialist-communist-fascist-dictatorial monarchy and killed Santa, the High Duke of Christmas. Reaganor was the child of Bristol Paladin, the fair virgin who was rightful queen by birth of Swedonia. It was prophesied by the Good Witch Ann of Coulteria that young Reaganor would lead the true White Elves to a New Kingdom.

King Reaganor was apprenticed to the wizard Colon Pow. After teaching Reaganor all he knew, Colon Pow fell under a dark, black spell cast by Bobama, who betrayed Lady Paladin. Reaganor used the Tablet of the Original Constitution to summon the Invisible Hand™ of the Founding Fathers, who came forth to lead the White Elves out of slavery and resurrect Santa. Benjamin Franklin gave him the power of lightening, which he used to short-circuit the Liberal Media (in August of 2003). George Washington gave him the Mythical Ax which he used to smite the waters of the Potomac and part them in two (thereby watering the Tree of Liberty). Thomas Jefferson gave him the Plow of Liberty, with which he built a new agrarian democracy around the mythical plantation Freedonia. Paul Revere gave him his trusty steed, Paul Revere (the horse), and he mounted Paul Revere (the horse) and rode him into battle.

The true White Elves had maintained the true religion of the Teabag ceremony while in slavery to the secularism of Bobama's Liberaltopia. "Let my people go!" yelled Reaganor as he mounted Paul Revere (the horse) in the driving rain. He rode him hard, across the Potomac without getting wet. He found the mythic Wood Teeth of Liberty and put them in his mouth. "Let my people go!" he cried again.

The true White Elves, who had maintained the true religion, threw off their chains and took the sacks of gold they'd been hiding from the evil dwarf John Stewartschmidtsteinbergergoldfarbowitz, who ran the Bank of Bobama, and they marched forth. Colon Pow met the people at the banks of the Potomac and cast the spell of False Trust with his vial of white anthraxia. But the White Elves could not be turned back. Reaganor called on the mighty warrior William Boykinor to invoke his god, whose God was way stronger than the God of liberal secular atheist Swedonia (Gay Allah). Gay Allah was swiftly thrown down.

Reaganor led the White Elves across the Potomac, where he met the fair Queen Sarah of Palinor, who was imprisoned by the Chastity Belt of Margaret Sanger. But Reaganor had the Key of Personal Responsibility. He dismounted Paul Revere (the horse) and thrust the key into her belt. She was freed, and so she married him on the spot. As babies poured from her loins, the Milk of Untaxed Prosperity flowed abundantly from her heroic bosom.

And thus began the reign of Reaganor, founder of America, who did it all by himself with no help and certainly no ghostwriter.


This will be included in our forthcoming collection What is It Like to Be a Glenn Beck? Please send other essays and suggestions how to improve his character sheet to us.





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58 comments:

Ideas Man, Ph.D. said...

Note: clicking on the images should make them bigger

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Ideas Man, Ph.D. said...

Dear Anonymous,

What if my job is to be a gay loser with no life?

Ideas Man, Ph.D. said...

Also, do you mean gay as a junior-high style insult (in which case guilty as charged) or homosexual (in which case a more apt term would be metrosexual)...

Anonymous said...

You are a college professor, so I bet being a gay loser with no life really is your job! LAWLS

Ideas Man, Ph.D. said...

Glenn, is that you?

Actually, that sounds more like the brainless thuggery of Bill O. --- help me out anonymous, you seem like a big kid. Which Fox Flunkie are you?

Anonymous said...

I think we will just keep that a secret and see how things develop. Is that alright, Ammon?

Jacob said...

Oh, Anonymous, you are so strong and brave and manly to be able to attack and insult people anonymously on the internet and call them gay!

*swoons*

Hypatia'sGirl said...

I know Jacob, right? Particularly how manly he is at throwing around names. Of course we shouldn't feed unoriginal trolls, particularly the kind that troll and clearly click the "email follow-up comments" box, because they need that kind of affirmation whilst living in mommy's basement crying along with Glenn Beck.

Anonymous said...

I will fight all you gays. I hope preservative employers or graduate programs (For you Karen) come across this and banish you forever due to your gayness.

Anonymous said...

perspective ;];]

Ideas Man, Ph.D. said...

Hey, what are preservative employers?

Also, dude --- you've been telling us how academia is gay so --- wouldn't they like how gay we are?

There's a fine line between humor and threats, and I'd suggest you stay on the right side of it.

Hypatia'sGirl said...

http://leiterreports.typepad.com/blog/2009/11/apa-adopts-new-policy-on-religious-institutions-that-discriminate-against-gay-men-and-women.html

Do your homework

Anonymous said...

For a blog titled Ideas Man, Ph.D I am not seeing many (read as any) ideas on this sucker!

I guess they will just have to banish you for being a bunch of morons, am I right?

Ideas Man, Ph.D. said...

Ok kids, we're done indulging the troll, right? I'll delete her/him/it if it/she/he gets too annoying.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Jacob said...

Haha, yes, he's mostly boring and creepy now. I like how much of an internet cliche he is though.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Hypatia'sGirl said...

Dear Anonymous -

You sweet, entitled, little thing. I'm sure that we're all super proud of your top-secret detective skillz, and I've got oodles of sympathy for your WAY hard life being a scared little d00d with little else to do with your life than be a rather boring bigot, and, as you are quickly becoming VERY boring, I'm sure even this brief moment of being paid attention to will fade.

But perhaps you can suck up some reading comprehension skills and like just spend a minute getting your lulz on at the beautiful example of hypocrisy you are portraying. It's, like, on so many fucking levels, right? Like - it's fucking mindblowing.
There is something really fucking amazing about the sort of dipshit that can't even be bothered to think up an interesting nym playing the ZOMG I'm, like, outing you card. A. Totes boring. B. Congratuations you followed some twitter links. Critical thinking skillz FTW. (now if only you had done your homeowrk and passed that class) C. You are BORING. The only reason I'm still fucking with you is that I'm more bored than you are boring. No new House this week = Hypatia's Girl needs lulz. Being annoyed at the entitled privileged pathos that exists on the internet = lulz for Hypatia's Girl. But seriously, your homophobia is, ZOMG, so seriously lame. Like, are you insecure or some shit? Is that SERIOUSLY the best you can do? Are you really the sort of totally-boring-lame-ass-I-can't-get-anyone-to-talk-to-me-because-I-can-only-make-fart-or-fag-jokes idiot troll that Hollywood loves to make movies for that the FOR SERIOUS best "argument" you can do is "lulz, Ur teh GAYZ, lulz, I can follows twitter feeds" I mean, for the love of christ this is why we make fun of you fucking idiots. You have become a parody of yourself. Which is kind of funny for a minute and then, really, like totally sad. You're played out like rickrolling. (OK, I'm totally lying, rickrolling will NEVER be played out, but seriously, you're as fresh as Alanis Morrisette)

Get the fuck over yourself, take a shower, stop listening to Dane Cook and grow the hell up. Bring an entertaining or new argument. Be fucking funny at least. Like link to a parody you've written. Or make some sort of D&D joke.Else you aren't earning your keep as a troll. You're just pathetic.

And with that, it's likely that Hypatia's Girl is now more bored with you than you are boring. Enjoy the echoing silence of your own lameness, you idiot fucking bigot. Life's gonna be harder for you.

Ideas Man, Ph.D. said...

Dude, I LOL'd when you said Rickrolling would never get old. Because it won't. Some other time, i'll tell you about the ironic rickroll.

Also, the troll can use its detective skills learning about 90s pop, so that'll get it something to do.

Off to bed for me,
good night.

Hypatia'sGirl said...

Seriously, Mr. Dr. Ideasman - Rickrolling is as fresh as this!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4pLj9BoNb1U

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

hey first anonymous guy, i am another anonymous guy. my name is zooey. i find it very intriguing that you know all these people. do you know me too ? if so, do you have any problems with me as well?

Anonymous said...

Zooey, huh? That is real cute. Your parents must have been some sort of liberal hippie, huh?

One question to ask of you, are you also gay?

If so, then yes I have a major problem with you.

If not, you might be alright.

Eli McCormick said...

This is some pretty mediocre trolling.

Citizen Andy said...

First, Dungeons and Dragons is funny.

Second, the idea that Glenn Beck would play D&D is also funny, either because it is absurd, or because you are insinuating that Glenn Beck was, at one time, a doughy loser who sat in his parents' basement creating a role-playing character.

Third, you have a really unhealthy obsession with people being gay.

Fourth, it's very revealing how you gain sick pleasure from showing people you know how to look them up on Google. Uber-creepy: even for a Glenn Beck fan.

Fifth, you asked why we hate Glenn Beck. I don't hate Beck, nor anyone else. I hate what he is doing to our country, I hate his disregard for facts and intellectual honesty, and I hate the insincerity of it all. And rather than curse the darkness he creates, I think this is a fun way to light a candle.

The "idea" you keep asking for is that snark and satire are often good weapons, as the truth simply doesn't seem to work. There are websites devoted to fact-checking glenn beck, and it doesn't seem to convince his acolytes.

We all know this is a joke. The truth is that Beck would never play D&D-- he is too involved in his LARP and World of Warcraft. He plays on the Drak'Tharon server and is a lvl 78 tauren death knight, unholy spec. Duh.

If you don't like the joke, move along. Otherwise you're proving you have even less of a life than we do.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Citizen Andy said...

You ask "Does Glenn Beck even have influence? Does anyone take Glenn Beck seriously? Is Glenn Beck just an easy target for lazy politico academics wannabes?"

Well, obviously enough influence to have you searching blogs for references to Glenn Beck, (and enough for a recent poll to show him as the #1 answer to the question "Who is the leader of the Republican Party?"). Does anyone take him seriously? We don't, but you obviously do-- enough to instill a pathological need to defend his supposed honor from a bunch of people you call lazy academic politico wannabes.

Enjoy your anonymous life, anonymous.

Ideas Man, Ph.D. said...

Well put, Citizen Andy.

Anonymous said...

Citizen Andy (more like Citizen Fat, am I right?,)

1: Why do you assume I came here via a search for Glenn Beck blogs? That assumption is false.
2: I never defended Beck once. I just said that this Dungeons and Dragons thing is gay and all these folks are gay for taking part.

Professor Allred,
I like a good chase. I am one of your students. Can you figure out which one? ;]

Anonymous said...

And I am sure those polls were top notch! Not some trashy push polls. ;];];];].

Ideas Man, Ph.D. said...

First of all,

1) don't make fun of the physical appearances of my friends.

2) I make a big effort to keep this blog separate from work life --- if one of my students wants to come over here and behave like a loser, that's fine.

But please for the love of God, don't tell me you're one of my students. I place too high of a premium on free speech for both students and faculty and on the integrity of the university to get my academic life involved in this...

Ideas Man, Ph.D. said...

Actual participants in this blog discussion: should I take down all the comments?

Ideas Man, Ph.D. said...

My own inclination the more I think about it is not to, because the comments have become an interesting intellectual problem.

I have some ideas.

They will be posted soon.

Anonymous said...

Finally, some ideas. ;].

I am sorry I ruined your fun Professor Allred.

Citizen Andy said...

Meh. Anonymous is only making his/her POV look bad by being such a douche, so I could care less. I like free speech too, and even defend the rights of idiots to make asses of themselves in the public forum.

If you want to make fun of my appearance, please feel free to. I could lose weight, but you'd still be stupid.

So thanks, Thrasymachus, for showing your true colors. You've revealed yourself, and are no longer anonymous.

The polls I reference are the year end Gallup poll for 2009 that showed Beck was more admired than Pope Benedict, and the CPAC poll that Fox News claimed Glenn Beck should've won rather than Ron Paul. Gallup is obviously legit, but I'm certainly happy to have you call Fox News and CPAC illegitimate.

Hypatia'sGirl said...

Just think Ideas Man, some poor young thing is cutting his troll teeth on your blog. Someday he'll be enough of a douche to hang out at 4ch*n.

But first he has to do every single thing trolls did in the early days of blogs, because troll is not original.

Meh, we shouldn't feed it, it will self-consume eventually.

Anonymous said...

Karen,

You keep speaking of not feeding the troll, but you keep doing so. Shame.

Hypatia'sGirl said...

I guess Mr. Unoriginal Anonymous that I underestimated how bored I was. And now have this kind of sick fascination with how long you'll hang around. And how long you'll hang around only capable of a. "HAR HAr uR teh GAHYz" and b. that kind of weird attempt at an impotent threat of ZOMG not using our internet pseudonyms. (And again, seriously dude, just pick a fucking name.)

What's particularly interesting to me, is that you are, for a hypocritical and boring troll, remarkably halfway decent at grammar and spelling and stuff. Which is interesting to me to come up with reasons why, despite your semi-polished writing style, "har har ur teh gahy" is seriously your fall back. Care to comment on that?

Hypatia'sGirl said...

And @Citizen Andy - you know, it has to be kind of hard to find anyone that doesn't have better poll numbers than Benedict. Life's not been too good for the RCC in terms of PR recently.

Citizen Andy said...

@Hypatia's Girl - Good point. They've squandered a lot of goodwill and political capital on ridiculous and controversial issues, which has completely blunted their influence when trying to call for issues like peace, social justice, decreasing carbon, etc. Shame, really.

Anonymous said...

Citizen Andy,

I find it funny that you claim that Glenn Beck is so terrible because he lacks intellectual honesty but then you go about siting phony polls. ;];];].

Karen,

Zzz. I am so over you. You are the boring one. Really pick it up.

Professor Allred,

See you when we are back from spring break.

Hypatia'sGirl said...

@Citizen Andy - yeah, it's been weird. I think cause I get the RCC confused with the Jesuits. Of course, there's an idea for our next D&D character sheet - the Pope's!

Anonymous said...

I mean citing phony polls, not siting phone polls. Sorry about that. I am a bit rattled over here. Some troll keeps posting comments on my blog.

None of this will hurt my grade, will it Professor Allred?

Ideas Man, Ph.D. said...

For a while I was thinking about deleting the trolls existence, but I'll put it back in: here are the removed comments --- in order

1)Get a life/do your job/stop being gay.

[This explains my snappy comeback --- it also sets the juvenile psychological tone the poster will take]

2)I just pwn'd you beyond belief!

[Very true --- partially beyond believe that that ridiculous meme circa 2001 is still around, partially beyond the belief of any rational interlocutor]

3)Where are the ideas? We want ideas! A screen name is not going to make you a public intellectual.

[This one actually bothered me a bit, because I joke in person about how I want to be a public intellectual of the facebook but I don't think I've joked about it online. Perhaps the troll will enlighten us.]

4)Where are the ideas? We want ideas! You do not become a public intellectual by having a screen name.

You tell me I need to grow up, but read your last response, a lot of that stuff was pretty terrible itself.

Or just look at this post in general! I do not think making Dungeons and Dragons character sheets is very grown up.

I am I right or am I right?

Why do you guys hate Glenn Beck?

[Oh, it's tremendously juvenile and delightful to make posts about Dungeons and Dragons -- the troll confuses becoming like a child with acting like a baby. Citizen Andy et. al. handle the other issues just fine]

[MY NAME AND POSITION REDACTED] called up all of his friends to post on this blog. That is pretty great. I hope you foolery is exposed and your career ruined. How a recent phd can attempt to have a serious career while trouncing this trash around the internet is beyond me.

Satire and humor are good tools, what a groundbreaking idea! You earned that phd, man (see what I did there?). Surely you will be that public intellectual sometime soon.

What is Glenn Beck doing to this country? Does Glenn Beck even have influence? Does anyone take Glenn Beck seriously? Is Glenn Beck just an easy target for lazy politico academics wannabes?

[Actually, I didn't call anyone up. My friends defend me of their own accord because I am a lovable person and they are lovely people. I'm not sure what foolery could be exposed and how it could ruin the little career that I have, but I'm sure the troll will enlighten. Also, I take umbrage with the troll on the recent PhD thing. I got my PhD in 2004. I am pretty thick-skinned, but it was hard work and I'd like the troll to recognize it as such.]

That covers all the deletions of the troll!

Anonymous said...

Ammon Allred of the University of Toledo, if you are not worried why redact your name and position?

If you do not want personal information on the internet floating about you should not put it there.

For example, I know the name of your kids and wife. I know where your wife works and what area you live in. This is just from a brief look at your tweeter account. Which is under your real name!

How can you be upset with me for putting your personal information out there when you put it all out there to be easily found!

My goodness.

How about we meet in your office (your actual office and not Phoenicia after break) to hammer all of this out?

Ideas Man, Ph.D. said...

Now, onto the troll's last question:

Clearly the troll reads my tweets. Good for you! I am very funny and I hope you'll enjoy them.

There is some debate on the facebooks as to whether or not the troll is really a student. I kinda doubt it, but assuming for a second I'm wrong, let me add a few words: (And I am very serious about this)

No, it will not hurt your grade, even if you are stupid enough to reveal who you are.

If you are in my class, go look at the syllabus and note what I say about the importance of two-way respect in the classroom (I respect my students and I expect them to respect me; even more, I expect them to respect one another).

If you are in my class and you've paid an iota of attention, you'll know that I take academic freedom very seriously. That I speak my mind, that I try to represent other positions fairly and that I encourage students to speak their mind, sometimes helping them make arguments that I think are wrong stronger than they originally represented them.

If you are in my class, then, you know that I would not hold it against a student if they held wrong views about America and academia. I would hold it against them if they talked in class to me or to another student the way that you've talked on this blog . But that gets me to the main point. But not if you did it on some non-class related blog.

I wouldn't hold what you've done on this against you because it isn't part of class .

Perhaps you are unaware that professors have private lives. I've just posted a long post reflecting on private lives, the internet and academia. I address some of your comments there.

It is also the case that historically some students (esp. senior level and graduate students) have been engaged socially with their students outside of formal academia (and I don't mean anything inappropriate by that, although I'm sure you'll take it there).

That is great, and it's too bad it doesn't happen more often. Because interaction across levels at the university and outside of the university is a great thing. I've had great relationships with students and former students (and with professors and former professors) that show me that for some of us the liberal arts really matters and intellectual inquiry can be a life-long shared pursuit.

Too bad jack-asses like you make it so hard. And so if you really are one of my students (and I hope that you're not)I would highly advise that you drop it right now. Because you've violated my privacy. Not by posting here. Not even by posting idiotic things here. But by constantly trying to drag our professional relationship into what is a non-professional context.

And if you are my student, I would highly advise you to never let me know who you are. Because I won't let it matter that you've behaved so disgracefully here -- Your grade will still be based on how well you perform. But I'm guessing based on the chip you've shown to be on your shoulder that you won't ever accept that.

And because this is a non-academic context, whether or not you're one of my students, I'll tell you the same thing. Shut the fuck up. You are a moron who hasn't said anything interesting (although you've inadvertantly given rise to a set of interesting reflections). Now go the hell away.

Ideas Man, Ph.D. said...

Dear Anonymous. Based on your last comment, I have to assume you're serious. I take the comments about my wife and kids very seriously, and if necessary I will contact the university and the police.

It's really unfortunate that you let what I imagine you'd regarded as a joke escalate to this point.

I redacted it for your sake. I won't redact this one. Because if I have to go to the police, I would like a record of exactly what you said.

Anonymous said...

I wrote something that you have already written elsewhere for everyone to see? I am just taking information from point A to point B. No crime in that, professor.

Citizen Andy said...

WHOA!!!!

You may feel this is innocent tomfoolery, but I doubt a jury of your peers would feel the same way.

If you make statements about knowing the location of someone's family members, that is considered threatening under most state laws (not exactly familiar with Ohio's state code, but I'd assume it's similar enough to most)

You need to stop. Because what you are doing has moved from trolling to harassment.

Be careful, Thrasymachus.

Anonymous said...

Citizen Andy,

This would never get to trial.

If it did, I'd waive my right to jury and go with the judge anyways.

I do not see how it is a threat. I have not posted an address (hell, I do not even know the address or the street or what color his house is) I just said I know the whereabouts (because Ammon himself has posted it before!).

Anyways, can we get back to talking about D&D, or what?

The Jon said...

Do you really not see what is wrong in saying the phrase: "For example, I know the name of your kids and wife. I know where your wife works and what area you live in."

This has stalker written all over it. People call the police for less. Just because something is in view does not mean you should say it is. I dare you to do this for any celebrity or porn star and see if you get taken to court. Go back and read the things you said as if someone else were saying them to you, would you not feel violated in some way? Everyone puts out information, but seriously, it wasn't just information he let lying out, you searched for it and found it to be able to make the statement. The intention and motivation are bigger then the information.

Anonymous said...

I did not search for it. I read a few of his tweets! Not that hard.

People post celeberties information all the day. I am sure a quick google search would do the trick! You do not see all those websites getting taken to court.

Perhaps you should also learn to read into contexts. I was writing in the context of "if you do not want information about you on the internet, you should not put it there". Ammon seems to be upset that I have this information but he is the one that put it out there for anyone who could google his name!

But guys, I am done. It is hard to keep up with you guys.

It was nice. Perhaps I will be back when their is some new material posted.

Until then, have fun!

Hypatia'sGirl said...

You know I hate liars.

Although I think it's cute that Creepy the Troll kind of does realize that he creeped over the line and so is taking off.

But, again, seriously, you pathetically unoriginal liar, don't continue to insult everyone with the slightest hint of critical thinking skills and hide behind "er, I was just joking, it's out there all ready."

You are a fucking liar. You use the anonymity of the web to act like you have an endoskeleton of any worth, you are incapable of offering reasons, engaging in debate, or even having a sense of humor. You were deliberately being a total fucking asshole who was pathetically trying to intimidate someone they didn't know because . . . your psychological make-up is such that you will one day, if you haven't all ready, become the sort of abusive person in real life who can't handle a partner talking to someone else, the sort of person who hits? Because that pathetic grab for unnecessary power, because the pathetic shit can't find any in himself, is exactly the same.

You were amusingly annoying when you just had the homophobia our culture inculcates because white men feel like their penises are going to fall off now that people call them out on their privilege. It was boring, but whatevs. But you had stumbled into a den of vipers who don't give a fuck if they're called gay (in part become some of us are, and yet are totally more adjusted and have actual fulfilling relationships in real life) and so your need to pathetically assert your sense of privilege led to you making veiled threats and your ass got called on it. Likely because you figured out what the hell the honorific "esquire" means.

So at least own your shit, creepy internet troll. Have some fucking self-respect and don't compound your breath-taking hypocrisy and inanity with truly astounding pathos.

Jesus fucking christ, I cannot stand liars.

(also Catchpa - duumbot, no lie)

Lord Cheswick said...

Jesus Christ, nothing pisses me off more than people pretending that they don't understand the context and implications of what they're saying. Well actually plenty of things piss me off more, but it's probably in the top 20.

Anonymous said...

What'y don't you cut the bullshit and out yourself motherfucker.s your fucking point anonymous? Calling someone gay is the most tired insult possible. Every male has been called gay so many times in their lives that it barely register. Then you go on some bullshit tangent about anonymity and trying to spew all Ammon's personal information all the while hiding behind his comment granted anonymity, why don't you tell us who you are? Right, you won't because you've got no balls.

Eli McCormick said...

What's your fucking point anonymous? Calling someone gay is the most tired insult possible. Every male has been called gay so many times in their lives that it barely register. Then you go on some bullshit tangent about anonymity and trying to spew all Ammon's personal information all the while hiding behind his comment granted anonymity, why don't you tell us who you are? Right, you won't because you've got no balls.

(delete that other one, I messed up, this is the canonical version)

Ideas Man, Ph.D. said...

Eli, if you don't mind I'll leave the double version because it' smore funny. In the meantime, I'm closing comments down on this post, banning anonymous comments and reposting the Dungeons and Dragons above so that people who have real contributions can make them.

Thanks for the moral support peeps. It was kinda funny until the guy claimed to know the fam. That crossed the line.